Intrusion
by Nainanox
Summary: Somebody is hell bent into annoying Byakuya Kuchiki...This is my first fanfic so please be kind. Reviews will be much appreciated, i'd like to know if somebody is reading For those reading. Chapter 5 added [complete]
1. Chapter 1

Characters: Byakuya, Yachiru, others may make an appearance

Disclaimer: Bleach and all its characters are owned by the one and only Kubo Tite

Time line: Post SS arc but before chapter 182, so beware of minor spoilers

Please forgive me if the characters seem OOC

Inspired by the bleach omake: "assassin in the Kuchiki Mansion"

It's a bright Sunday morning and a lovely pink haired little girl is standing in front of the enormous gates of the Kuchiki estate screaming "Bya-Kun, let's play". The door is opened by an old servant who is quite surprised to see Yachiru Kusajika, the vice-captain of the 11th division. The little girl slips inside and starts running around screaming: "Bya-kun……." The servant sighs; only Yachiru can dare to address the great stoic Byakuya Kuchiki, head of the Kuchiki house and chief of the four noble houses as 'Bya-kun'. Reluctantly he leads her to the room where Byakuya is meditating.

They both sit down and Byakuya still has his back turned towards them. Impassive as always he asks: What do you want Yachiru? The bubbly little girl is unfazed by his coldness and replies: "Bya-kun, Bya-kun the Shinigami women's association has voted you to be the hottest male shinigami and wishes that you pose for a photo album which will be put on sale for all women." After formulating her request she bounces to him and climbs on his shoulder, pulling his hair. "Are you hot? Do you have a fever? Bya-Kun feels ok to me…What are you reading? Manga?"

Sighing he looks up from his Naruto volume, he really wanted to know what the Sandaime hokage had in mind to defeat Orochimaru, he did not even listen to what Yachiru was babling about. After days of pining he had managed to take advantage of Rukia absence to 'borrow' Naruto from her room. He could not bring himself to ask her, he knew that Renji would laugh his ass off if he knew that he liked reading shonen manga. "Give her some sweets and drive her away" he instructs the servant, but Yachiru won't be easily distracted and bounces around the room disturbing him from the most passionate manga battle. He gets up and goes to his own private stash of candy and pulls a bag full of colourful sweets and dangles it in front of Yachiru. The little girl is entranced, these were the rarest and best sweets available in the Rukongai but he'd rather renounce to them than miss Naruto. Opening the window he scatters them in the wind and Yachiru bounces out like a puppy after a stick. He then decides to retire to his private chambers for more privacy but before doing so he instructs the servant to lock all doors and windows, and not to disturb him any further.

After an hour or so spent gathering the sweets, Yachiru content returns to the secret head quarters of the most powerful organisation in Soul society: The Shinigami women's association, her original mission quite forgotten. All the fellow members are disappointed but not ready to give up the grand dream of having their own photo album of Byakuya. "We'll launch another attempt" declares Soi Fong her eyes shining. "Aye, aye" Rangiku approves. "I'll send one to Yoruichi-sama and she'll be eternally grateful to me..." continues Soi Fong. " Let's not get ahead of ourselves captain. If Yachiru cannot get through his icy demeanour the who can? Let's ask Shuuhei Hisagi, he got beaten by a mere 10 votes, I'm sure he'll agree" proposes timid Isane. "No, no, we want Byakuya and no one else" her sister disagrees. "Yes Kiyone is right, we'll ask Shuuhei for the next issue but for now we'll attack Byakuya. Who will go next?" Nanao asks the assistance. All heads turn to stare at her. She groans inwardly: Why did I even ask?

Nanao Ise wonders how she will get through this one. She was standing in front of the Kuchiki Mansion and hesitating to knock the imposing front door. Rukia had invited her several times to visit but she always declined. Her captain had the annoying habit of appearing whenever she was in the company of good looking men. He even interfered in the vice-captain meetings when she talked with Hisagi or Abarai; she had not wanted to look like a fool in front of Kuchiki-taicho. Lucky for her, today was Sunday and Kyoraku-taicho was probably asleep with a hangover. Gathering her courage, she knocks.

Meanwhile Yachiru has left the secret head quarters looking for someone to give her sweets. She notices Shuunsui Kyoraku sleeping beneath a tree with a bottle of sake. "Wake up, Shuun-chan!She screams in his ear. I want some sweets!" Shuunsui wakes up with his eternal smile and replies: "Ah good morning, Ya-chan. Have you seen my lovely, lovely Nanao chan?"

"She has gone to see Bya-Kun because she thinks he's hot but he did not have any fever when I checked. Gimme gimme some sweets now" Kyoraku is wide awake now, wailing: No no my Nanao-chan, why did you betray me for Byakuya-Kun, don't you see how much I love you? Kuchiki, I'll have your head for perverting my Nanao-chan" and he rushes up to the Kuchiki mansion.

In his mansion, Byakuya has just finished volume 16 but luckily Rukia had the next volume too. He was dying to know who will be the next Hokage. He sat down comfortably unaware of the doom impending on him


	2. Second attempt

Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to the one and only Kubo Tite, this is only a feeble attempt to imagine a situation with his awesome characters

Author's note: Thank you for the reviews! By now it's pretty apparent that I'm smitten by the Kuchiki heir but I'm also a big fan of RukiaIchigo and RukiaRenji, perhaps I'd write a fanfic someday. For now I'd like to request more fics with Byakuya from anyone out there who likes him too. Sorry if he is a bit OOC

**Second attempt**

The old servant of the Kuchiki clan could not believe it. It was the second vice-captain who had come to visit since morning. Despite Byakuya's instructions he felt that it would be rude to send off the severe looking but lovely Nanao Ise. He led her to a sitting room and went to inform his liege of the visit.

Nanao Ise struggled to keep from gasping in admiration in the Kuchiki mansion. The house was magnificent. Drop dead gorgeous, filthy rich and such a tragic past, Kuchiki Taichou was a woman's dream come true, pity his head was always in the clouds and he never noticed any women in his surroundings( with the possible exception of Rangiku). She waited nervously in the room.

Byakuya was seriously annoyed. He was on the verge of discovering who this Tsunade person was when his servant interrupted him. He was a bit surprised to hear who his visitor was, vice-captain Ise barely ever spoke to him except for polite greetings when they passed each other in the corridors and Kyoraku always materialised out of nowhere shooting murderous looks at him. Renji once accused him of hogging the attention of all females in the Sereitei, he supposed he was a bit like Kakashi; walled in his grief that he did not notice the covetous looks of females and envy from males.Ise was not really his type, he preferred petite and delicate women but he would be willing to make an exception for vice-captain Matsumoto (who wouldn't?). Stifling a smile he went to join her in the visitor's room, reading manga was making him zone out too often.

As he entered, she quickly stood up bowed low and started: " Pleasepardonmeforthedisturbance. As you know the mood in soul society is real bad at the moment with Aizen betrayal and all. We thought we could cheer people especially women by publishing a photo album and according to our polls you were voted as the sexie…, um most appropriate shinigami…"

But Byakuya was not listening, all his senses were on high alert, he had just felt an enormous murderous reiatsu directed towards him. He barely had time to duck and avoid a punch from a very distressed Kyouraku with a sake bottle in one hand and his flowery kimono flying around him. " Kuchiki, how dare you attempt anything on my Nanao-chan. Nanao-chan, nanao-chan, I'll protect you from this pervert. Don't cry, I'll avenge your honor" he began, hugging Ise. Byakuya was torn between fury and laughter at this display from his elder. He mentally started comparing Kyoraku to Jiraiya and was completely oblivious to the scene infront of him. Nanao was mortifed. " Taicho, you're misunderstanding. I was just asking Kuchiki taicho to pose for our photo album" she tried to pacify him. His demeanour changed immediately: "Oh, I'll be glad to pose for my female fans. I'll even do it in Adam's dress, here let me show you…"

Byakuya was no longer amused when he watched a livid Nanao drag a half undressed Kyoraku out of the Kuchiki mansion who was clinging to his expensive carpet and spilling sake everywhere. "Really, what's up with them. I could almost think that someone is plotting to ruin my day" he thought. He decided to take the remaining manga volumes in the garden pavilion where he was sure not to be disturbed. Rukia was not to return until late night and he wanted to read the most possible perhaps he could also borrow a few volumes of Rurouni Kenshin, it sounded like a promising manga. Usually he hated when she went to the human world to hang out with Ichigo but to read Naruto he gave her permission to go so readily that she had stared at him blankly for a short while besides with Renji watching jealously over Ichigo's actions and vice-versa he was sure that his little sister's virtue was quite safe but he would not bet on the safety of Renji or Kurosaki's life. Perhaps he should keep his fingers crossed for a brawl to break out and both idiots to finish each other off.

"Well how did it go?" the women asked collectively when Nanao came back looking harried and cross. Yachiru bounced in the room asking: "Why is Shuun-chan tied up a tree? Why is he naked?" The girls decided not to press the issue further.

Soi Fong suddenly stood up, burning with a fire which is usually reserved for occasions when she's professing her loyalty to Yoruichi and declared: "For Yoruichi-sama, I shall force that idiot to be our model so that she can admire him in all his beauty and thank me." "For Yoruichi-sama or for yourself?" Rangiku could not resist asking but she was silenced by Soi Fong's stare who disappeared using her Shunypo and appeared almost immediately in the Kuchiki garden.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Bleach belongs to the great and awesome Kubo Tite

Author's notes: Sorry about Soi Fong being OCC but I always made her girlish with a short attention span from the omake and coloured chapters.

Suggestions for more ridiculous situations are welcome!

Once she reached the lush green gardens of the Kuchiki estate did Soi Fong stop to consider what her next plan of action will be. 'Drat' she thought, she has been too impatient as usual. She started reminiscing the glorious moment she had been reunited with Yoruichi-sama and she had accused Soi Fong of being too much in a hurry. "Really, how quickly I concluded that Yoruichi-sama is a traitor and spent 100 years dwelling on it…Luckily it only took her a few minutes to forget the decades of holding the grudge" she mused. Her thought was interrupted by a light cough behind her.

Byakuya was really starting to get annoyed. He had been sitting in the pavilion immersed in Naruto's dedication in his training when he felt Captain Soi Fong appear in his garden. He was indignant, even if she was his elder she had no right to burst into his garden like that but it seemed that she had not noticed that he was reading manga. In fact she did not seem to have noticed his presence at all and was lost in a day dream. He stashed his manga away and decided to approach her and overlook her trespass. He really had a thing for petite women. He coughed slightly to attract her attention.

Soi Fong didn't like to be interrupted especially when she was thinking about Yoruichi-sama. She turned and declared: Kuchiki, I shall have your head for not acquiescing to Yoruichi-sama's request! Byakuya was non-plussed, "what the hell…?" He thought, Yoruichi-san had asked him to look after a black cat for a while and let it sleep it his chambers. He had flatly refused, he hated cats and he hated Yoruichi too, she always beat him at tag when they were kids. Byakuya did not look like it but he could sure hold grudges. He could not see what the big deal was. His train of thought was interrupted by Soi Fong taking a swipe at him with a Kunai. Ah, she reminds me of Ten ten was his last thought before he had to jump back to avoid another swipe.

As Soi Fong was attacking him madly she was thinking: "How dare he not let Yoruichi-sama have a photo album of him. How dare he ruin his beautiful hair with that ugly Kenkeisan?". " I shall destroy your kenkeisan" she shouted menacingly. This didn't leave him any choice, to save his beloved hair apparel, he would do anything. Snatching one of her kunai he attacked but in advertence he cut off one of her braids. She stopped dead on her tracts and started wailing (Yoruichi had once commented that her braids look cute) Byakuya ordered his servants to accompany the nearly hysteric Soi Fong to the entrance.

" Really" he thought as he made his way back in with his precious books, 'that woman spends too much time with Zaraki. She must be catching his battle bug." (Ever since Zaraki professed admiration in Yoruichi-san's battle tactics figure, he had found a good friend in Soi Fong). Perhaps he should try reading some Kenshin, the blond brat's stubborn disposition was reminding him unpleasantly of an orange haired one.

By the time she reached the secret head quarters, Soi Fong's tears had dried and her resolve had hardened. She marched in determinedly and said " He wants war and he'll get it. It's time to deploy the 'heavy' artillery" staring straight at Rangiku.

In his mansion Byakuya sneezed thrice in a row. His servant sighed and thought: Great evil is approaching….


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: Bleach belongs to the one and only Kubo Tite

**Author's note**: Sorry for the bad jokes and double entendres! Byakuya is totally OOC here! Sorry!

Most people saw Byakuya Kuchiki as cold as an iceberg but Rangiku knew better: She had caught Kuchiki taichou as well as all other males in soul society( With the exception of Ayasegawa who'd rather fawn over Hisagi) glance at her chest. So he was only human after all an he will surely cede in front of her weighty arguments, she mused as she made her way towards the Kuchiki mansion. She took a gulp from the sake bottle she nicked off Kyoraku-taicho who was still tied to a tree.

Toushiro Hitsugaya was not happy, it was a bright Sunday morning and he was stuck inside his office catching up with extra paperwork because the useless bum that his vice captain was had gotten drunk every night and slept in the office with a hang over. In the beginning he sympathised, she had been close to Ichimaru Gin but he soon discovered that any excuse was good for his vice captain to get drunk and party especially now that she had Kira and Hisagi to keep her company. He was depressed too with Hinamori still being a coma but he was not getting drunk every night, true he had frozen a large number of the injured 11th Division members in the infirmary who were making too much noise but he felt that it was completely different. Except for the fact that nearly everybody avoided him in the sereitei and he was banned from the 4th division head quarters. He was considering using Hyourinmaru to cause a hail storm and ruin everybody's Sunday when he felt Matsumoto's drunken reiatsu moving towards the outskirts of the Sereitei. "Speak of the devil…" he thought. On a whim he decided to have some fun at his vice captain's expense and decided to follow her.

Byakuya was amazed at how thick skulled Kenshin could be! In the beginning he had difficulty relating to the story, after all he was a Shinigami and he did not understand all the fuss Kenshin made about killing people and that loud mouthed Sano reminded him too much a loud mouthed red head, then Aoshi came and Byakuya met a kindred spirit and with Saito they would form a holy triumvirate. Duty consciousness and ice-cold ruthlessness, were traits he admired more than anything but according to Rukia and Renji it made him a social retard. He sighed with contentment in his private natural hot spring hoping that the books won't retain a sulphurous smell which will be noticed by Rukia.

Matsumoto stared at the high walls of the Kuchiki estate, Captain Soi Fong told her that it was useless trying the door, Byakuya had the servants barricade it. In one leap she jumped on top of it and in the next she was inside the Kuchiki estate. She used her reiatsu to locate the elusive would be model hoping that he wouldn't notice her presence. He was apparently in his bath, relaxed and completely off guard. He was about to get his wildest fantasy as well as every other male's in the sereitei come true. Feeling grateful he would have to give in to her demands she thought wickedly.

Hitsugaya was a bit surprised at the path taken by Matsumoto. What business could she have with Kuchiki-taicho? The common rumour in the Sereitei was that Kuchiki maintained a stone like composure because he actually was really _stoned _and he had the most amazing collection of narcotic plants in his private greenhouses. Knowing that his vice-captain would do _anything_ for fun, he thought that she might be trying to verify the rumours. Of course since the other popular urban legends were that Abarai's tattoos were fake, Yamamoto sou-taicho had the most extensive hentai magazines in the sereitei, and _he _used Hyourinmaru to freeze his hair in the awesome style he wore so he tended to disregard the above mentioned theory. Instead he suspected his vice-captain( and rightly so) of harbouring a secret lust for Kuchiki taichou. Seeing her walk towards the bath house, confirmed his suspicisions. Blessed with an extra ordinary sense of morality and dignity he decided to put a stop to Matsumoto's evil plans.

Byakuya was suddenly awoken by a cold air blowing in the stuffy bath house. He was feeling so relaxed that he had fallen asleep for a few minutes and he had had the most strange dream; a slightly tipsy Matsumoto had sneaked inside and had proceeded to start undressing with the intention to join him in his bath but Hitsugaya had appeared and frozen her up and dragged her away. He wondered if he was turning into a pervert, perhaps Rukia was right when she suggested that he started dating again. Stepping out of the bath, he decided to go and meditate on the issue.

As Hitsugaya dragged Matsumoto's frozen form across the Kuchiki gardens he thought that they had been lucky that Kuchiki taicho had been asleep when Matsumoto had attempted to compromise his virtue. He did not even want to imagine the excuses he would have had to spout to explain their presence in the bath house. As he watched the sleeping profile of his elder the wicked idea of giving him frost bite crossed his mind: Hinamori's eyes danced with joy each time the stoic captain greeted her, but the desire to escape unnoticed was stronger so he didn't put his plan into action. "Now" he mused, "What to do with Matsumoto, bury her or dump her in a river?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** same thing as in previous chaps

A/N: I know this chapter sucks but I'm kinda running out of steam and thought of ending it here.

In the long and extensive history of Soul society, a good many powerful shinigamis had existed, who had shaped the sereitei as it is today, but _none _commanded such fear and respect as the Women shinigami association. It had irrevocably changed the fate of the Gotei 13 through bold actions such as demanding cute designs for all accessories, arguing for the use of hell moths instead of larvae and a petition to allow Hisagi wear a customised uniform as well as to allow Abarai keep his long hair and tattoos. Today it has met the greatest challenge since its founding (which happened when Yachiru and Soi Fong met and both of them realised that the standard shinigami items did not have any pink objects), Byakuya Kuchiki who was voted as the hottest male shinigami had not yet agreed to pose for a photo album.

After three failed attempts and one person missing in action (Rangiku Matsumoto whose fate hangs on the balance of the temper of Hitsugaya), the girls decide to band together and find a ploy to breach enemy territory. The Kuchiki mansion's entrances had been barricaded and the personnel is high on alert, while the intended victim is indulging in his secret passion for shonen manga and debating whether to put an end to his bachelor status. They initially decided to bully Yamamoto sou-taichou by threatening him with revealing his hentai magazine obsession in the soul society but someone had misplaced the confiscated porn material (Yachiru had been in charge for safe keeping for some unknown reason and their solid evidence had mysteriously vanished), but since they already used this several times and now they only had empty threats, they had to find another solution.

They then turned towards one their active members: Nemu Kurotsuchi who had at her disposal an arsenal of technological weapons, but unfortunately all her proposed plans ended in their model's gruesome and painful death. They had been tempted to give consideration to the plan of cloning the elusive captain then realised the conflict that would arise when faced with the question of who would keep the replica. They next went to seek the counsel of their not so active member Unohana-taichou who was often too busy to attend the meetings; Isane thought that her superior could help them to come up with a drug to persuade him. The eyes leader of the 4th division shone briefly but out of professional ethics refused to comply. She did ask to be sent a copy in case of success.

They then had no choice but to ask the help of the person who held most influence on their victim: Rukia. They had to wait until early evening when the petite girl came back with a badly beaten Abarai in tow.

"_I can't believe that Ichigo and you could act so immaturely! You could have killed that poor guy; it was just a peck on the cheek."_

Ishida had finally gathered his courage to ask Inoue out but being dense as always the busty girl had thought it was a group outing and asked Tatsuki to come along, and that freaky girl Chizuru hearing about a date decided to tag along! Keigo in his wisdom volunteered Ichigo and himself to balance things out. To mollify Ichigo, Ishida suggested asking Rukia too. Ichigo had brightened at this idea and contacted her, but his face fell when he saw Renji tag along but it was at least better than last time when Byakuya himself had turned up to escort her, Kenseikan and all. Ichigo had thought that he would die mobbed by females or sliced by senbozakura before the end of the day. He did gain an insight on how somebody could have pulled a stunt like Aizen's when in a war time situation a captain was learning how to use a fork to eat.

The date had turned out ok except for the last bit, when parting Ishida kissed Inoue on the cheek. The silly girl asked why he didn't kiss all the other girls goodbye and panicked, the Quincy started doing that. When he reached Rukia, both Renji and Ichigo punched him. Finding an excuse however flimsy both rivals turned on each other. If Sado had not turned up unexpectedly it would transformed in a blood bath. Renji had followed a furious Rukia through the gate, knowing that far worse awaited him once they were home.

Luckily for him as soon as they were back a group of girls surrounded them with a request for Rukia. He took advantage of her inattention to slip away, as he walked by the sereitei he noticed the 8th division tied to a tree which was weird even for him and a little further away he noticed Hitsugaya drenched and muddy grinning evilly walking with unusual gaiety. Perhaps Ichigo's punches did have some effect on his head but a lot of weird things happened in soul society; like when they had discovered a load of hentai magazine under Yumichika's bed, who'd have thought the guy was capable of normal behaviour? Or how everybody went around normally despite the fact that a maniac who wished to dominate the world was threatening them except for the special captains meeting where everybody would play rock, paper, scissors and the loser had to do guard duty (well his subordinates anyway, luckily for him Kuchiki-taichou excelled at the game). He dismissed as being one of the quirks of living here.

Rukia found her brother in one of the small sitting rooms deep in thought. She had been surprised by the request of the Women shinigami association and frankly doubted that he would agree to it but she had promised to try at least. She presented him the request.

"Oh, that's what they wanted?" he replied thoughtfully, "I'll agree only if they promise to buy me the latest Naruto manga"

Rukia was flabbergasted but pleased, her entry in the selective association was guaranteed, and Chappy was going to be a whole lot present in the sereitei from now on.

As she was leaving she was even more surprised to hear his last question:

"Umm, Rukia, do you think Unohana-taichou would agree to date me?"

So all is well that ends well in the Sereitei, except for a spot of trouble due to the rupture of stock of the photo album. Byakuya finally went on a date after more than half a century and meanwhile Aizen was bored. Gin had taken the hoogkyou to use as a crocket ball, Tousen was meditating and Grimjaw and co were poring over the photos of his former colleague. Summoning the two most reliable Arankaru (those not drooling over Byakuya), he decided to wreak some havoc. As they left he thought: Heck if I knew that Hueco mondo were so boring, I would have stayed in soul society to discuss Sou-taichou's collection with him.

P.S: A large number of shinigami are still searching for Matsumoto and Renji had to go to the 4th division healing facility with numerous cuts and fractures (courtesy of Senbonzakura) because

he had annoyed Rukia

he had laughed at Byakuya's plight as model


End file.
